It has been quite some time since I have blogged. It is not for lack of content, but lack of motivation, paralyzing apathy, and a "screw it" outlook on life. My Depression came back full force and out for vengeance and blogging wasnt exactly on the top of my to-do (read: survival) list.
As some of yall might know, I have been suffering from Depression for almost 10 years. It comes and goes, is dormant and then rears its ugly head, is a non-issue and suddenly is all-consuming. When I am in the throes of an episode it affects my relationships with friends and family, my job, my physical health, and my sleep. I cant make simple decisions or focus, feel constantly tired for no reason, never work out, and want to eat and drink all of the things. I get headaches, gain weight, and am so unbelievably irritable and on edge that I dont even want to be around myself. A very unsettling and weird situation, trust me.
The last year has been a very tough one for me. I have struggled with, lost some and won some, against a terrible, months-long fight with my Depression. There were many days that just getting out of bed didn't happen, getting to work was like moving mountains, and finding the energy to put into my relationship and friendships was just.not.going.to.happen. I was drinking way too much, eating crap, not exercising (HA, Hell would have had to have frozen over before that happened), and a pretty miserable person. I had what a therapist once called "the fuck its." My room is a mess? Fuck it. I have eaten fast food already today? Fuck it. A friend called and I havent called back? Fuck it. I gained a ton of weight, saw my self-esteem plummet, and hated myself. I almost lost my relationship with John because of my own actions and the debilitating nature of my illness. Despite all of this, it took over 6 months for me to work up the courage to even call to make an appointment with my doctor for new meds.
The guilt I felt for hurting myself and those around me, the shame about feeling like I had to hide what I was going through, and the fear that my illness and the way it manifested would cause me to lose the things I valued most in my life was overwhelming. It was paralyzing. I felt out of control. At times, it even felt out of body. I say "my illness" because in a way, my Depression makes me not, well, me. This is not to say that I use Depression to justify my actions or behavior; I have never used it as an excuse. I do, however, use it as an explanation. Sometimes, especially for people who have never experienced Clinical Depression, it seems like an excuse or a scapegoat. But it isnt.
Since Monday and the suicide of Robin Williams, there have been hundreds of different blog and Facebook posts and articles, and thousands of different opinions about his death, suicide, and Depression. I am not out to add to that, although I do have personal and professional opinions on the subject. I felt compelled to share my story in hopes to raise awareness about the severity, prevalence, and life and death implications of this disease. Depression is an equal opportunity illness. It does not discriminate based on anything--not race, age, gender, economic status or education.
So, whether you think it is a chemical imbalance, a spirituality issue, a fake illness, psychobabble, an excuse, or something to "snap out of," I dont really care. All I care about is that you know that it is real and it is serious, but that it can be managed, controlled, and that a diagnosis of Depression is not the end of the world. People who suffer from Depression can have healthy relationships, feel joy, and live a fulfilled life.
If you or someone you know is suffering from or might be suffering from Depression, tell someone. Tell me. Let's talk.
(In case you were curious, I am on the up and up and feel better than I have in months, even though I still have my down moments.)
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Monday, April 29, 2013
Glory, Glory
This has been going around Facebook today. I finally got a chance to read it when I got home, and man, was it worth the wait.
I haven't been back to Athens, GA in a long time. This picture was taken when I went back for my sister's graduation in August 2012. I was hit with so many memories and nostalgia that it was almost overwhelming. I have some amazing memories of this place. I also have some not-so-amazing memories. But, overall, it is a place that is dear to my heart.
Any of us who have spent time in Athens know what a magical place it is. As much as I love Colorado State University and Fort Collins...it just isnt the same. I have been so fortunate to have found a little piece of UGA out here in Colorado. My UGA Alumni group means so much to me--these guys just remind me of home. Being Dawgs and Georgians, we have something in common that cant be explained. It is comforting knowing they "get" me, and amazing knowing that I have a group to share my enthusiasm with. Being a part of the Northern Colorado Dawgs has been so wonderful for me in so many ways. I am so grateful for this group; when I am really missing Georgia, I feel better knowing that my group is here and that they "get" it, too.
I miss gamedays in Athens, but, I know I have the next best thing with my NoCo Dawgs!
GO DAWGS!
Monday, April 15, 2013
Prayers for Boston
http://www.businessinsider.com/inspiring-images-from-boston-2013-4
Wow. I just saw this link and the pictures and captions brought tears to my eyes. I've been watching the coverage of the bombings in Boston for most of the day. Like most people, I kept thinking, "WHO could do this!? HOW is this happening!? WHAT is this world coming to!?"
What I wasnt thinking was, "Wow! Look at all of these people helping other people!" I was so focused on how evil human beings could be that I never thought about how amazing they could be, as well. Many first responders, bystanders, and other runners ran towards the blasts; the hospitals said they had enough donated blood and didnt need any more at the time. Why dont we focus on this? Why cant we focus on this?
Is it in our nature to focus on the gruesome and horrific? Or, do we just replay these events over and over because we want answers to the endless questions that these tragedies raise? Despite my education and chosen profession, I dont know the answer to this. I make a living studying and analyzing human nature, yet I still have no idea how or why someone could do this. But, what I do know is that out of tragedies like Columbine, 9/11, and Sandy Hook, the outpouring of human compassion continues to astound me.
What if we were to focus on the heroes instead of the horror? Wouldnt that prove that we are a nation that values unity and selflessness? I think we are. Facebook and Twitter and CNN and other media outlets are showing that.
God Bless the USA and all those affected by the bombings at the Boston Marathon.
Wow. I just saw this link and the pictures and captions brought tears to my eyes. I've been watching the coverage of the bombings in Boston for most of the day. Like most people, I kept thinking, "WHO could do this!? HOW is this happening!? WHAT is this world coming to!?"
What I wasnt thinking was, "Wow! Look at all of these people helping other people!" I was so focused on how evil human beings could be that I never thought about how amazing they could be, as well. Many first responders, bystanders, and other runners ran towards the blasts; the hospitals said they had enough donated blood and didnt need any more at the time. Why dont we focus on this? Why cant we focus on this?
Is it in our nature to focus on the gruesome and horrific? Or, do we just replay these events over and over because we want answers to the endless questions that these tragedies raise? Despite my education and chosen profession, I dont know the answer to this. I make a living studying and analyzing human nature, yet I still have no idea how or why someone could do this. But, what I do know is that out of tragedies like Columbine, 9/11, and Sandy Hook, the outpouring of human compassion continues to astound me.
What if we were to focus on the heroes instead of the horror? Wouldnt that prove that we are a nation that values unity and selflessness? I think we are. Facebook and Twitter and CNN and other media outlets are showing that.
God Bless the USA and all those affected by the bombings at the Boston Marathon.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
"I mean...like....you know..."
Let's all take a second to reflect on our teen years. Braces, bangs, white eyeliner, this really gross tiger-striped, sequined shirt from Kohls that I wore to an 7th grade dance...
Now, take a second to imagine what it is like now. Sure, kids still have braces, bangs, wear too much eyeliner, and probably have a heinous shirt in their closet, but there is so much more. Chances are that these kids arent going to look back on the awful outfits they wore (ok, some might), but on the awful Facebook message a frenemy sent them calling them a slut or the time they were harassed for being a little bit different.
I know I have reflected on this before, but it has been on my mind again since starting my second girls group. This is a group for middle school girls meant to help them learn about themselves, learn tolerance for others, and build self-esteem. The girls could not be more different from each other: one is athletic and one has a shaved head and piercings. One's very conservative and religious and one claims there is no God. One has straight As and one rarely comes to school. And that is only six of them. But all of them are dealing with the same things. They all have something in common-- they are 13 and 14 year old girls trying to navigate the halls of their junior high school, hoping to come out on the other end relatively unscathed.
All that these girls want is some attention and knowledge that they are not the only ones. They feel like there is a spotlight on them and an audience watching every move; they want to know that others are going through the same things. A little bit of attention goes a long way.
I encourage any of you who interact with teens girls to slow down and listen, even if every story begins with "I mean...like..." and ends with "...you know?" Because every Thursday I listen to all of that times 15. And it is worth it.
Now, take a second to imagine what it is like now. Sure, kids still have braces, bangs, wear too much eyeliner, and probably have a heinous shirt in their closet, but there is so much more. Chances are that these kids arent going to look back on the awful outfits they wore (ok, some might), but on the awful Facebook message a frenemy sent them calling them a slut or the time they were harassed for being a little bit different.
I know I have reflected on this before, but it has been on my mind again since starting my second girls group. This is a group for middle school girls meant to help them learn about themselves, learn tolerance for others, and build self-esteem. The girls could not be more different from each other: one is athletic and one has a shaved head and piercings. One's very conservative and religious and one claims there is no God. One has straight As and one rarely comes to school. And that is only six of them. But all of them are dealing with the same things. They all have something in common-- they are 13 and 14 year old girls trying to navigate the halls of their junior high school, hoping to come out on the other end relatively unscathed.
All that these girls want is some attention and knowledge that they are not the only ones. They feel like there is a spotlight on them and an audience watching every move; they want to know that others are going through the same things. A little bit of attention goes a long way.
I encourage any of you who interact with teens girls to slow down and listen, even if every story begins with "I mean...like..." and ends with "...you know?" Because every Thursday I listen to all of that times 15. And it is worth it.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Criminal Minds
I recently got a job (!) as a family therapist. I work with kids and teens and their families on all kinds of issues. To be able to work with kids, I had to get finger printed, background checked, motor vehicle checked, and a provisional license. I dont disagree with this policy, especially considering the nature of the work that I do.
However, today I was thinking about the process; I have been through it 2 times already, once to get into grad school, and once to begin seeing clients. Luckily, the state of Wyoming came to the conclusion (once more) that I was not, in fact, a criminal and has graciously allowed me to help those who are.
There is always some debate about whether or not parents (read: mothers) should have to go through a similar process before giving birth or being able to keep their baby. How in the world this would be implemented is beyond me, because the number of pregnant women who do not a: have access to health care, and/or b: do not know that they need health care while pregnant and/or c: cant get care because of other reasons or circumstances and/or d: choose not to get care, is higher than we might like to think. Unfortunately, these are often the mothers that I see in therapy. So...should mothers be required by law to do some sort of criminal background check?
Of course, we are all going to have different opinions. Even the experts cant agree. I want to make it clear that I do not think that those parents with a criminal history cannot be good parents--they can. But often for these parents life's circumstances make it more difficult that those parents who do not have a criminal history. I am also not suggesting that parents without a criminal history are always good parents--they arent. We all know that.
This is my two cents...what do you think?
However, today I was thinking about the process; I have been through it 2 times already, once to get into grad school, and once to begin seeing clients. Luckily, the state of Wyoming came to the conclusion (once more) that I was not, in fact, a criminal and has graciously allowed me to help those who are.
There is always some debate about whether or not parents (read: mothers) should have to go through a similar process before giving birth or being able to keep their baby. How in the world this would be implemented is beyond me, because the number of pregnant women who do not a: have access to health care, and/or b: do not know that they need health care while pregnant and/or c: cant get care because of other reasons or circumstances and/or d: choose not to get care, is higher than we might like to think. Unfortunately, these are often the mothers that I see in therapy. So...should mothers be required by law to do some sort of criminal background check?
Of course, we are all going to have different opinions. Even the experts cant agree. I want to make it clear that I do not think that those parents with a criminal history cannot be good parents--they can. But often for these parents life's circumstances make it more difficult that those parents who do not have a criminal history. I am also not suggesting that parents without a criminal history are always good parents--they arent. We all know that.
This is my two cents...what do you think?
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
That is my biggest Pet Peeve!
How many times have you said this?? I say it all the time. Even Cosmo magazine has a section called "Bitch It Out" where people can send in pics or stories of pet peeve violations. I have two main pet peeves:
1. When people dont replace the empty toilet paper roll.
2. When cars are parked on the curb with space between them that could almost fit another car, but not quite.
The latter happened today when I was pulling up to my apartment. Three cars, perfectly spaced between the non-red curb so only a smart car could possibly fit without incurring major damage. Even though there was space in my apartment lot I found myself thinking, "OMG that is sooo annoying." Wait a hot second. I didnt even want to park there, so why did I care?
So I started thinking about pet peeves. I am assuming everyone has one or two things that just drive them crazy. But, should we react to them? Do pet peeves hurt anyone but ourselves? No, they dont. I can just about guarantee that the owners of said cars dont give a shit that there is 6 feet between their car and the other and definitely dont give a shit that it annoys me. So in the end, I am the only one affected.
I think it is more of the principle behind these actions. Another popular pet peeve: chewing with your mouth open. We think it is rude--I mean no one wants to see your half chewed food. But, it is the open-mouth chewer who should be concerned with his or her poor manners.
So, my half year resolution (a tad late) is to try not to let it bother me (as much...hey, baby steps). Because, in the end, I am the only one that gets frustrated...and it is just not worth it.
1. When people dont replace the empty toilet paper roll.
2. When cars are parked on the curb with space between them that could almost fit another car, but not quite.
The latter happened today when I was pulling up to my apartment. Three cars, perfectly spaced between the non-red curb so only a smart car could possibly fit without incurring major damage. Even though there was space in my apartment lot I found myself thinking, "OMG that is sooo annoying." Wait a hot second. I didnt even want to park there, so why did I care?
So I started thinking about pet peeves. I am assuming everyone has one or two things that just drive them crazy. But, should we react to them? Do pet peeves hurt anyone but ourselves? No, they dont. I can just about guarantee that the owners of said cars dont give a shit that there is 6 feet between their car and the other and definitely dont give a shit that it annoys me. So in the end, I am the only one affected.
I think it is more of the principle behind these actions. Another popular pet peeve: chewing with your mouth open. We think it is rude--I mean no one wants to see your half chewed food. But, it is the open-mouth chewer who should be concerned with his or her poor manners.
So, my half year resolution (a tad late) is to try not to let it bother me (as much...hey, baby steps). Because, in the end, I am the only one that gets frustrated...and it is just not worth it.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Bucket List
A friend of mine recently went on vacation to Peru. While she and her husband hiked, swan, and went site-seeing. When she told me she was going to Peru, I was a little shocked: "What the hell is in Peru?" Her response: "It is on my bucket list."
It got me thinking--what is on MY bucket list? What do I want to experience during my lifetime? Things kept popping up in my mind over the next couple days and here is what I have come up with so far:
1. Skydive
2. Go to the Kentucky Derby, wear a big hat, place some bets, and drink Min Juleps
3. Buy a house/flip a house where I can really entertain family and friends
4. Visit Greece
5. Have a successful private practice
6. Run a half marathon
7. Own the full Louis Vuitton luggage set (kidding...but not really...)
8. Visit the homeland (aka Scotland), check out the Davidson province, and buy something with our family crest/plaid
So far, that is what I have thought of, in no particular order. I think it might be time to get going!
It got me thinking--what is on MY bucket list? What do I want to experience during my lifetime? Things kept popping up in my mind over the next couple days and here is what I have come up with so far:
1. Skydive
2. Go to the Kentucky Derby, wear a big hat, place some bets, and drink Min Juleps
3. Buy a house/flip a house where I can really entertain family and friends
4. Visit Greece
5. Have a successful private practice
6. Run a half marathon
7. Own the full Louis Vuitton luggage set (kidding...but not really...)
8. Visit the homeland (aka Scotland), check out the Davidson province, and buy something with our family crest/plaid
So far, that is what I have thought of, in no particular order. I think it might be time to get going!
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