What War Are You Fighting? (Not in a Political Sense)

"Have compassion for everyone you meet, even if they don't want it. What appears ill-mannered, bad-tempered, or cynicism is always a sign of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen. You do not know what wars are being fought down where the skin meets the bone."*

~Miller Williams

I love this idea, possibly because I see it all the time when I do therapy, or possibly because I have a hard time remembering this until it hits me in the face.  A single glance is not a glimpse into someone's soul.  We get a glimpse only when we take the time to listen and be present. What appears to be perfect is often not, but sometimes, what appears to be imperfect from the outside may not be so bad; you never know.  

I hope this inspires us to feel compassion for those we don't know. After all, what war are YOU fighting?

*Thank you to Maggie VanDenBerg for this quote!

State of the Union

So, yes, we all know the State of the Union was on tonight, and it seems like a lot of people watched it and have opinions on the state of our union, as luckily, we are all allowed to express. Facebook statuses and twitter updates are going like crazy.

I will admit that I am not someone who follows politics very closely.  There are many social issues that I feel strongly about (I am strongly pro-choice and strongly believe in marriage equality), but I am not very knowledgeable about the financial aspects of politics.

That being said, I see these statuses and updates a little bit like I see Monday morning quarterbacking. It is SO easy for us to make suggestions or inferences or criticisms about the policies, bills, suggested changes, whatever that have been mentioned, but let's be real--we don't know what is really going on.  I, and I am sure many others, could never be paid enough to be president. NO THANK YOU. Who the HELL would ever want to take on the struggles of our country? Well, only 44 people have taken on this esteemed position. I think, above all, we should recognize the tough job our president has and respect him (or, someday, her) regardless of our personal political affiliations and keep our criticism to a minimum.  After all, most of us are not in politics.

Second-time Mistakes

"You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake, it's a choice."


Saw this on Twitter and it spoke to me.  Often times I have made the same "mistakes" more than once.  Some, or maybe most, I don't consider mistakes, but more of learning experiences. I am guilty, though, of trying the same things a few times and expecting different results. This most often times, for me, happens with relationships.  I seem to think the same thing might go over better in this new attempt at a relationship (friends, significant others, etc). Or possibly during a therapy session.  Or in a class.  I doubt I am the only one who has dealt with this.


Is it a choice though? I tend to think it might be habit. I tend to get in a pattern of the same things but expecting different results.  How do I break it? I think the answer is a lot of personal reflection.  It is time I ask myself the same thing I ask many of my clients: "Is this pattern working? If I did something different, what would the outcome be? What is one small change I can make to ensure (or hope for) a different outcome?"


Slowly but surely the changes are being made. I am making changes to myself, first and foremost-- something I have tried periodically in the past, and, ironically, has worked.  This is one choice I have made that has positive outcomes. 

Recent Pictures

I've been trying to learn to use my new camera--trying out settings, modes, flash, no flash....

Here are a few of the pics I have taken lately:

Close-up of flowers

Planter

Award-winning wine at Montaluce Winery, Dahlonega, GA

daisy

gazebo in the setting sun

Things to Know at 25

11. Don’t Get Stuck

This is the thing: When you hit 28 or 30, everything begins to divide. You can see very clearly two kinds of people. On one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow, to find God and themselves and their dreams, people who know what works and what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live adults. Then there’s the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate, because they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women who are good but not great, because they don’t want to be lonely.  But they don’t do those things, so they live in an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than when they graduated.

Don’t be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal.

Ask yourself some good questions like: “Am I proud of the life I’m living?"

Now is your time. Walk closely with people you love and think life is a grand adventure. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned. 
Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life’s path.

Saved the best entry for last. Wow. I love the line that there is a time for wildness (college, anyone?) and a time for settledness (ha) and that now, for many of us, is neither. This is a time for becoming. Well said. Though moving out here was hard, it has been a huge opportunity for me to change, find out who I am, and what I want out of life. Not to mention, if you want a grand adventure, this is definitely the right place to be. 

I sometimes find myself getting stuck in the past or trying to look forward to the future. Although there is a lot to be said for learning from your past and planning for the future, being present--truly present--can be hard. I'm trying to use my mid-twenties to learn to enjoy the here-and-now. 

A very easy place to be present and feel in the moment
Rocky Mountain National Park

Things to Know at 25

7. Feed Yourself and the People You Love

If you can master these things, you’re off to a really great start: eggs, soup, a fantastic sandwich or burger, guacamole and some killer cookies. 

The act of feeding oneself is a skill every person can benefit from, and some of the most sacred moments in life happen when we gather around the table. The time we spend around the table, sharing meals and sharing stories, is significant, transforming time.

Learn to cook. Invite new and old friends to dinner. Practice hospitality and generosity. No one cares if they have to sit on lawn furniture, bring their own forks or drink out of a Mayor McCheese glass from 1982. What people want is to be heard and fed and nourished, physically and otherwise—to stop for just a little bit and have someone look them in the eye and listen to their stories and dreams. Make time for the table, and you’ll find it to be more than worth it every time.

I want to do way more of this. Cooking for one person sucks--I cant eat lasagna for 4 days straight. But I LOVE to cook and bake and share it with other people.  I love the nights when the girls get together and cook, drink wine, and just sit around and talk.  I have always loved hosting things, too, and will celebrate just about anything (Boxing Day, anyone?).  My small apartment (and even smaller kitchen) doesn't exactly make for ideal hosting conditions, but move the coffee table, roll up the carpet, and push back the chairs, and we can fit at least 20 people in here.  And we have. And it was awesome. 

Things to Know at 25

6. Seek Out a Mentor

One of the most valuable relationships you can cultivate in your 20s is a mentoring relationship with someone who’s a little older, a little wiser, someone who can be a listening ear and sounding board during a high change season. 

This has been valuable beyond words for me. Every (almost) faculty member in my program is encouraging, supportive, and generally kind.  Not to mention brilliantly smart.  I am SO fortunate to have the learning experience I do and I know I will leave CSU with the best education I could get.  One person in particular, though, has made a huge impact on my personal and professional development. She is one of the most compassionate and smart women I know; and she almost wasn't here.  See, she almost died (THREE times) about a year before I came to CSU.  Heart failure, pneumonia, and a host of other things almost took her from me. Yes, it is selfish, but I have learned more from her than anyone else. 

When I hear her story, I think about how different my life would be without her. I think about how much I have learned from her, and how much I have yet to learn. She is my encourager, my challenger, and my biggest supporter. To be sappy, I am so lucky to have her as a professor and supervisor. This blog does nothing close to expressing my gratitude, my love, and my respect for her. I hope it encourages you to find a mentor who does the same thing for you that mine has done for me. 

2012 Resolutions

I am taking a break from the "things to know at 25" to give my thoughts on New Years Resolutions. I, like many people, make these resolutions.  I get wrapped up in the "new year, new you!" mentality, and most of mine center around things I WON'T do: 


"I won't drink anymore Diet Coke."


Or, things I HAVE TO do:


"I have to work out at least 4 times a week, for an hour each."


But I was thinking, and these things generally set me up for failure.  Not because they are particularly lofty goals, but because, hell, I LIKE Diet Coke. And, between school and therapy, I don't always have the time to go to the gym or go for a run. So I have decided to make 2012 all about me and becoming who I want to be.  I haven't made a mile-long list of things I am going to do; there aren't things I HAVE to do or SHOULD do or CANT do.  Just some things I can try to do to ensure that I am my best self. 


Saw this on FB and really like it: 


"Fall in love or fall in hate. Get inspired or be depressed. Ace a test or flunk a class. Make babies or make art. Speak the truth or lie and cheat. Dance on tables or sit in the corner. Life is divine chaos. Embrace it. Forgive yourself. Breathe. And enjoy the ride..."


THIS is what I am doing for 2012.